A woman's right: telling your employer you're expecting

When I found out that I was expecting my baby, it was a big surprise. We were already planning our wedding. The snuggly fitted to the hip,  size 6, dress was purchased and everything. And I was only a few weeks into a brand new job. This was not just any job either. It was the first time I was able to land the exact position for which I had gone to college.

Talk about mixed emotions. I wanted to be a mom... someday. I just didn't know someday would turn out to be this upcoming June.

I walked into work with a new anchor around my neck. I wondered how to excitedly commit to my new training (which would take several months) knowing my time with the company was on a ticking countdown. The big decision always weighing in my mind: when do I tell them.

First,  I asked for advice. I asked my doctor, my family, my husband,  my friends... and everyone had different answers.
"Don't tell them until you're out of the first trimester, what if you miscarry?"

"Don't tell them at all, it's none of their business. If they treat you differently sue!"

"Tell them right away! If you don't your misleading them and that's not ethical. "

My mind was spinning.

My doctor had advised waiting until the end of the first trimester, so I decided to start there. That gave me over a month at the job, maybe it would be easier then.

Well, next week is the second trimester and the decision isn't easier. I'm also not showing yet, making the temptation to keep the secret even stronger. But, I'm not a secret kind of girl. I wear it all in my sleeve. And I'm ready to spill the beans.

I weighed the consequences. I'm not FMLA protected because of the small size of the company & my limited time there. Potentially I could be fired in the spot for not being able to perform the duties of the job. But, I got through first trimester's exhaustion & daily nausea without asking for any accommodations- would that count for something?  I couldn't know for sure.

Then the real root of why I was so unsettled about this decision started to become clear to me. Why did I feel like a criminal? Why did I feel like I had let these people down?  I'm a grown woman, with a wonderfully loving and supportive husband,  experiencing being pregnant with our first child. This moment in time should be celebrated, not admonished. So why in a corporate setting is there so much pressure to deny your personal needs? The answer is within the structure of our working system. Employers want competitive employees. They want people that put the job first. But when you prioritize the job what goes on the back burner?  Your family? Your health?

I'm a counselor. Everyday I tell people to advocate for themselves. I urge people to identify their needs and prioritize their well being. And I'm not going to be a hypocrite anymore.

Today, I'm going to tell my boss that I'm expecting. I'll advise that I am willing to work up to the month of my due date, and I would like to return to the position if possible after I've adjusted to our baby's arrival. Most importantly, I'm delivering this news with pride. I'm a woman, I've received an education, I work very hard, and I'm starting a family- I shouldn't be ashamed of that.

Good-to-know Auto Insurance Insights

About two years ago, I started working at a major insurance company. I was working for the auto claims as a liability adjuster. Prior to getting this job, I had no experience with insurance and honestly, I had no idea how even my own auto insurance really worked. After hearing the same questions come up over and over from our customers, I complied a list of good-to-know facts about most people's auto coverage...

1. "Full Coverage" does not equal "Free Coverage" even if you are not liable for an accident. Coverage on your auto insurance carries some kind of deductible. The lowest possible deductible usually being $100.00; there is the exception of comprehensive coverage/ glass coverage sometimes having no deductible, but your collision coverage always has a deductible. If you've been in a car accident and have not paid anything out of pocket, it's because you went directly through the other person's insurance coverage or because your insurance company was able to "waive your deductible" because the other person's insurance company accepted liability for the accident and paid your company directly for the expenses of your vehicle.

What this means for you: Choose a deductible you can afford. If your car is parked and involved in a hit and run; you will be responsible for paying your deductible since you don't have the other person's information.

2. Rental Coverage is worth it. Usually adding rental coverage to your policy is only a few additional dollars a month, and although it may seem to be penny smart to skimp on this addition when creating your policy, its dollar dumb in the long run. Going back to the hit and run scenario; if you do not have rental coverage and your vehicle is totaled by someone who flees the scene; you may be weeks without a vehicle if you can not afford to rent a car out of pocket. If you have the coverage, your insurance company can place you immediately into a rental vehicle and its covered by the policy.

3. Be your own advocate. Unfortunately, claims handlers and call centers are overwhelmed with a very high volume of claims to handle; meaning, your claim may not get the attention you hoped that it would receive. If there seems to be a lag in contact from your adjuster reach out to them. Do yourself a favor and do not make their jobs more difficult- have your information ready, have the other parties information ready, and get your own copy of the police report if at all possible. Being entitled that you do not have to contribute to the process, or getting belligerent with your claims handler will not benefit you. If anything that behavior will slow down your claims process. Stay calm, get organized, and be cooperative- your insurance representative wants to help you and wants to help resolve your claim as quickly as possible.

4. Understand the difference between Collision and Comprehensive Coverage. If anything collides with your vehicle (i.e. another vehicle, a shopping cart, an object laying on the road) it is considered a collision loss. The only exception is an animal, an object that is flying through the air, or  direct weather-caused damage- all of which fall under comprehensive. Vandalism also falls under your comprehensive coverage.

5. Your Agent does not handle claims. Your agent is apart of the sales team for your insurance company. The agent can help you file a claim, they are savvy on the discounts available to you and the underwriting process; however, most agents are not trained in the claims process and liability statutes.

What the means for you: If your agent advises that an accident is not your fault, or that your accident would fall under comprehensive vs collision coverage- they may be wrong. You will not be able to confirm the liability determination or appropriate coverage until you actually speak to a claims handler.

6. Not all claims service is 24 hours. Most call centers to report the claim are 24 hour service. That call center can assist with towing your vehicle and filing the claim. However; specific questions regarding liability, rental cars, and reimbursement for out of pocket expenses (when not liable) must come from your claims handler. If you want prompt service; find out the office hours of your claims handler and contact them within those hours. Not all adjusters work weekends or evenings.

What to do if you're involved in a car accident: 
1. Exchange all information. This includes the driver's name, the owner of car's name, the license plate of the vehicle, and the contact information for anyone involved in the accident, the other person's insurance company and their policy number.

2. Take pictures. Take pictures of both cars, all damage, the other people involved (incase they try to claim they were not at the scene of the accident later), the location and any roadway markings or signs, and the position of the cars.

3. Note the details. What time did accident happen? What are closest streets to the location? How many impacts did you feel?

4. File a police report, if possible. Do not depend on the police to get the other person's information. If the other person is not cooperating at the very least take a photo of their license plate.

5. Get the name and contact information of any witnesses- no matter how simple the accident.


Liability Decisions that seem to surprise:

You rear ended the person in front of you, because they slammed on their breaks for no reason (you think they were on a cell phone.) 

Sorry, you are still liable. You have the duty to leave enough space in front of you when following another vehicle that you are able to stop in time. 

You made a left hand turn at an intersection, when the other car sped through the intersection and hit the rear of your vehicle. 

You may not be 100% liable, meaning they may have some negligence for speeding, but you are still majority at fault as the person who failed to yield and made a left hand turn in front of another vehicle. 

After you parallel parked your car, you opened your door to get out and a car driving by took off your door!

Sorry, You are liable. You have a duty to make sure the roadway is clear before opening your car door into a roadway.  

Your spouse hit your parked car. Now both cars are damaged, but at least its only one deductible right?

Wrong.  Even though you won't be liable for the accident, you will have to use your own car's collision coverage to get it repaired. You can't be liable for your spouses' property because it is shared and you can not be liable to yourself. 


Keep all of this information in mind, if you're ever involved in the claims process!

Take Your Chill Pills.

Today, my husband and I attempted to complete our wedding registration simultaneously as we completed our baby registry at Target. It was a little overwhelming, to say the least. But, even with our energy fading- we stayed calmed and tried to keep our spirits up. As for the shoppers surrounding us? Not so much. Two middle aged white ladies began to brawl over a line-jipping accusation; a twenty-something slammed her hands down on the hood of a car that was not giving her the pedestrian right-of-way as she left the store; and I saw a frazzled mom lift her toddler to eye level by the arm in a fit of frustration. I felt the overwhelming urge to yell "EVERYBODY RELAX!". When did we get to this point? When did something as simple as coexisting in a marketplace environment become so unnerving for people that they aren't able to keep it together? We aren't hunters and gathers, having to tap in to our instincts to survive at a heightened level of danger anymore. But, watching the emotional reaction of some of the people surrounding me... you wouldn't know it. I won't be able to change the world, but I can change myself... Today, I took a deep breathe and remembered to smile at strangers. I showed compassion and common courtesy and I remembered to laugh when things didn't go my way. Hopefully, the positivity will be contagious. Appreciate Each Day & remember to relax!

Gratitude

Showing gratitude everyday is the foundation to a lifetime of happiness.

Feeling gratitude is not enough. Take action and mobilize your appreciation for your many blessings.

Doors

Pregnancy is a wild ride. Its filled with excitement, worries, body changes, and hormones. During the highs and lows of my own first trimester's emotional rollercoaster, I found myself searching for a way to cope with my sudden internal instability. I found solice in writing short stories during my lows (which my fellow expectant ladies can understand, can be extremely low). Being pregnant is difficult. I've forgiven myself for feeling less than zealous about my condition. Yes, my baby is a blessing. My husband is wonderful and I'm very fortunate to be in the situation that I'm in. Yes, I'm excited to be a mom and I will love my baby fully, but motherhood is not the only role I've filled. I've been an  education-centered, career-centered, self-centered, adventurer for 26 years and changing my priorities does not happen overnight -or without fear. That fear lead me to write 'doors', its an exaggeration of the trapped feeling that bubbled up as I cancelled our travel plans, and notified my career that I would have to put it on hold for maternity leave. 'Doors' captured my fear. It put it on paper, rather than allowing it to circle my mind. It gave me peace.

If there are other pregnant women feeling guilty about not always feeling maternal and joyful, you're not alone. Pregnancy is the long, uphill, walk to the paradise which is holding your child for the first time. We all have faith that it will be well worth it, but naturally we notice the blisters along the way.

Doors

I use to run, wild. I had a thousand doors around me, all unlocked, with enticing booming sounds beckoning me to explore where they lead. I opened so many of those doors. Sometimes I became lost. But other times i stumbled across living that can only be described as magic. Each day transforming faces of strangers into loved ones, foreign places becoming my sacred ground.  I lived so fully. Perhaps too fully... maybe we are only meant to see so much before the doors begin to rust, binding themselves shut, so that entry is difficult, if not impossible.

I circled the world, & then quite suddenly, without deliberation,  I traded in my traveling shoes. I did it for love. A noble, logical reason to hang your hat. But, I am a woman and love carries heavier choices for us.

Just the act of being in love, firmly shuts & locks a few doors to the new suitors and the novelties they provide. That was no bother. He loved me truly. I no longer needed the compliments of strangers to see my value when I looked upon his face.

But, then there was a child. More doors slammed quickly shut.

My love became my husband. A formal, heavy contract now binds us,  in case the love itself is not ever lasting.

My body is no longer my own. Every aspect of it now lends to the child. The accomodations and limitations are endless.

It's been decided, to be a proper mother, I should not return to work for a period of time. Tightening our budget, and 'changing our lifestyle'. More doors latch closed.

With out my own money, without my own body, I am expected to live for the family I created, transforming myself into the matriarch of our home.

But,  I was once a bird. I flew to the corners of the world upon my own whimsy. I opened the doors to Asia & Europe. I let the sun kiss my skin and the rain dampen my head, without the shade of a stable home. As doors close, they become the walls of my new house. And I sit safely inside.

Even the most powerful animals, great bears and tigers, seem docile and muted behind the bars of a zoo. For their comforts, they trade their spirits. Sadly, many would never be able to survive if they were released.

How long will it take? Before I forget how to fly? *

5 simple rules to living among the Human Race

Learning to deal with difficult people is a basic function that is crucial to living a less stressful life. Here's 5 rules to keep in mind when navigating your relationships:

1. It is never your place to change someone. 

This rule is as hard to swallow as it is important. If you are not a parent, you have one job & that job is self preservation. It is fantastic to teach others. It is fulfilling and beautiful when you can inspire others. But, the impact you may have on people around you is THEIR choice, not yours. We naturally want the people around us to agree with our standards but, there are many different ways to live. A great weight is lifted from your shoulders the moment you decide to accept others as they are. We cannot control when or if change will occur in a person.  Living as an example to others, is the greatest way to become a catalyst for change. Accept their differences, learn from them, allow them to experience your lifestyle and allow them to choose. It's not your loss if they do not change, because it was never your responsibility to change them in the first place.

2. It is okay to walk away.

You don't have to live in a toxic environment. Many people believe that history or family ties obligate them to remain loyal to someone, regardless of how that person is treating them. There should be a standard for how someone can treat you. That standard should be high. If someone is mistreating you,  you have the an obligation to remove yourself from that situation. You can love someone and recognize that it is not healthy to have him or her in your life. Allowing someone to use you as a punching bag is not helping him/her & it's wasting time that could be spent with people who allow you to feel your best. Walking away does not have to mean forever. It does not have to mean making an enemy. Separating can be peaceful, and graceful. Live with an open heart and a keen eye. If you see people in a realistic way, you can judge when they have earned the right to be apart of your life.

3. You're self worth is not measured by the opinions of others.

For every person that dismisses you, there is another who would love you as you are. At the end of the day, your self worth stems from an internal barometer. You, alone, know if you're living a life that is true to your personal metrics of success. Don't expect everyone to understand you or accept you. Embrace and celebrate those who do, and forgive those who don't.

4. Your reaction  is a choice.

When dealing with difficult people, we naturally react in a defensive way. It's easy to think to yourself, what is wrong with this person or why is this person putting me in this situation? Rarely do we stop and think to ourselves, how can I change or control this situation? The cliche 'when you point  a finger at someone the rest of your fingers point back at you' holds true. Absorbing the negativity of others is a choice. Are you projecting any negative emotions onto this person? Are you choosing to keep in touch with a person who continually brings you down? Are you allowing jealousy, insecurities, or condescension to dictate your interaction? Can you react to this situation with humor or compromise? People are complex, but living amongst them is simple. Learn to control your reaction.

5. Live by the Golden Rule. 

If you're really living by the four other rules I've described than your standard for how others treat you is pretty high. The Golden Rule states do unto others as you wish they do unto you. If you're going to hold others at a high standard, expect to treat them as your equal. Respect, accept, and celebrate all the people that share all your best moments!

Unplugged Part II

Ah, my week of being unplugged is over! And to be fair, that week actually ended yesterday prior to my friend's going away party. I was helping host and made the executive decision that I had to plug in early. Lessons learned...


Benefits of being unplugged.

I generally have been in a better mood. I feel more content with my day and I equate that feeling of general satisfaction with the fact that I have not been comparing my life to everyone else. Even though  it's not on a conscious level, every time I surf the social media I am comparing myself to others. Other friends, other family, even celebrities, everyone. I tell myself that I use social media to share with my friends, but usually I'm just a socially accepted peeping-tom. Creeping along, reading the intimate details of acquaintances' days and wondering if my day is measuring up.

Sharing is also wearing on your mood. Every time we put something out there on the internet, there is a part of us that is waiting for feedback. Now, sometimes positive feedback is rewarding, but on some level I think we each know that if we needed someone else to approve of whatever we put out there- we were showing some insecurity.

I had more energy. Even though it feels like mindless  scrolling- reading, all day, and processing all that bullshit, takes energy.

Lesson 1: Constant access to social media is draining.

I am more in tune with the people around me. I felt like I woke up. I saw Larry, my fiancé. I noticed that he was tired from running errands all day and needed to feel appreciated. I could hear it in his voice. I stopped in that moment, and did not ask for help while putting away laundry; instead I thanked him. I wondered, if I had been distracted by texting or Facebook, while I walked through the door- would I have noticed the subtleties that made me treat a loved one better.

I focused on each task more diligently. I did not feel interrupted by emails, texts, or calls. I felt like I was in control of my time.

I found myself singing loudly in the car. Usually while I drive, I go hands-free phone calling and catch up with all the people that I think I NEED to catch up with... Guess those calls weren't as urgent as I thought. No one died and I sang like Mariah Carey.

My life felt less dramatic. I was slowed down. I couldn't treat everything as a demanding need. It had to wait until I got home. And nothing was urgent.

I made better decisions because I had more time to think about if I really should say that....when I saw the person...and then had to say it in person.

I had to become more organized about my day because I had no choice. Larry took my car in for an inspection. He told me he would pick me up at 5pm and take me home so I could get to a dance class I teach at 7pm. That was the plan when I left for work that morning, and that was the plan. period. No making excuses for staying longer at work, or wanting to grab lunch because no phone!

Lesson 2: Don't let your virtual life control your time.


Drawbacks of being unplugged.

Concern 1: The rest of the world is plugged in.

I sincerely missed texting my fiancé and friends. Being unplugged made my texts more purposeful and sacred. The delayed gratification of having access to my loved ones, made me appreciate them more. But, the drawback of the delay was timing.

My friends were not amused. I got several angry texts that they were trying to reach me. When I told them I'm not carrying my cell, I got some resistance. I was inconveniencing them. I was missing out on a couple invites, and I was missing my reach outs.

Concern 2: Safety

Walking to my car at night became a little more intense. I did not like not having a life line and also, when my car was parked in a dark parking lot, I suddenly realized I did not have a flashlight.

I got into a fender bender yesterday. Luckily, I had my phone. I took the photos I needed from the scene, and took a photo of the information I will need to report the accident. In this case I had a driveable vehicle, but if it had not been, I would have been walking to find a phone. In the wrong neighborhood, or at night, that could have been a bad situation.

Concern 3: Convenience.

I do not know where anything is located. I realized my pathetic dependency on GPS. Going anywhere new had to be planned and with out GPS, I also could not avoid heavy traffic.

I had to just guess the business hours when running errands.

No call ahead to restaurants.

Forgot to tell someone something? Too bad. Had to wait until I saw them again.



The Take Home Lesson:

Technology evolves based on need, and yes, you are at a disadvantage in today's world if you decide to live completely unplugged. However, there is a time and place to be plugged in. It comes down to basic manners and common sense. Don't have a cell phone on at work. Don't have a cell phone on when you've arrived at your destination with friends or family- once you've sat down with the people that deserve your time, the phone goes off. Turn your phone off during times that require your full attention. But, a phone is needed on the go. A phone becomes most important during the days transitions and planning. The best way to use your phone is with purpose. Call someone. Text someone. Look something up when you need to. Throw away the idea that your phone is your filler, or your go to for entertainment.`



Tips on becoming unplugged:
1. The Silent Mode on your phone is no longer an option. The phone must stay on loud at all times. Less texting, because the sound is annoying. And your phone can not be in inappropriate places like work, dinner, or the movies- all places that you shouldn't be on your cell.
2. Organize yourself so that you don't need to rely on your phone. If you know your going to a new place, print out the directions. Remember 2005? You're about to live it all over again.