How to know when you have found Mr. RIGHT

I've dated...a lot. Therefore, I've broken up, a lot.  Lost relationships can often feel like a "waste of time", but each is a learning experience. In that regard, I've earned some scholarly hours and  I have a specific purpose for writing this article. I hope my experience helps someone. 

My husband and I are in a good place. We had a crazy year that included becoming homeowners, getting married, and having our first baby. Yes, in the same year. Things are settling down and we entered a period of peaceful newly wed bliss. The idea to write this came to me when I realized how happy I am today, compared to some [more chaotic] chapters of my past life. Some of the chaos was great- but a lot of it stemmed from needless stress and wasted energy over trying to "make things work" with the wrong people. First and foremost, I would like to preface this article by stating: it is important to recognize that it is not necessary to be in a relationship to be happy.  Self development and independence are nonnegotiable necessities regarding the foundations of healthy living. But, we can not ignore that finding companionship ranks high on many people's priority lists. Now, I'm not claiming to be a love-guru.   My current relationship will have its hardships and we will have to work to grow together and maintain this happiness; but I feel confident that I am with the right person and I hope I can inspire someone else to recognize "Mr. Wrong" vs. "Mr. Right". 

My first "serious" relationship started when I was a freshman in high school (because what adolescent isn't ready to take on the exciting world of romance?)

Over a decade,  as a serial monogamist, I dated some really good guys. I dated several "Mr. Rights"... for someone else, but they were decidedly not right for me. I've also frequented the romantic crossroads where I've questioned  why my seemingly good relationship felt wrong. Unfortunately, at this crossroads I tended to wander aimlessly down "Stay Together" rather than "Move On" which never turned out well for anyone.

Along with a handful of great guys, I also dated my fair share of good-god-what-the-hell-are-you-thinking Mr. Wrongs. In other words, my dating-judgement meter has not always been a reliable, well oiled machine.

 Not long after I met my husband, I had to make some pretty radical decisions to make it work. This included starting  a long distance relationship. (And by long distance I mean cross country.) I'll reiterate that my decision making did not have a spotless record for optimal outcomes. But, I felt confident.This relationship was different. It had moxy. 

Now, I'm married and I'm not just married, I'm happily married.  "Happily" being defined, most recently, by a moment last night in which this man, sincerely, told me he thinks I'm prettier than Scarlett Johansson after I had been up for two days breastfeeding our three week old daughter. He may not have the greatest vision, but that's a quality gentleman, ladies.

So how did I know?

Well, we had all the typical, healthy relationship characteristics...
Natural chemistry
Check!
Free flowing communication & laughter
Check!
Mutual respect & admiration
Check!
Shared common interests, a foundation of trust, a readiness to be faithful
Check,  Check, check...

All important things to have in a relationship...But after some deliberation, I pin pointed two factors that clued me into recognizing this was my guy.

1. Selflessness

It was 4 am on a freezing January night in Pennsylvania. Our 1 month old puppy was shuffling around the door, begging to be taken out on her leash for the 6th time. Before I could shake the sleepiness from my eyes, there was my boyfriend,  quietly finding his snow boots in the dark. I didn't have to bargain with him, he was taking care of that dog - so that he could take care of me. He sacrificed his own sleep and comfort because he didn't want me to have to do it. This is a nice gesture when you're dating, but this regard for each other becomes a CRUCIAL characteristic in a long term relationship.
I appreciate this every time he walks in the door and immediately starts helping with the baby. 

And, ladies, that not-so-considerate guy, that has other redeeming and 'awesome' qualities like being SO funny or SO good looking, will pale in comparison to the selfless guy (whom, by the way, can be a hysterical hottie- these traits are not mutually exclusive). Just imagine who you want by your side when you are sick, or lose your job, or start a family- and remember sometimes babies happen before you decide if they are for you or not- keep that in mind if you're questioning your relationship.

2. Self awareness... This isn't all about your partner.

The biggest indicator of whether you are in a great relationship is how YOU are behaving.
Do you find yourself trusting this person? Are you being trust worthy? Do you feel confident? Do you feel peaceful? Do you laugh often? Are you motivated to better yourself? Are you proud of how you are treating your significant other, as well as your friends and family? If you answered  yes to those questions, you're flourishing in a supportive,  healthy, environment. 

You should be at your best without your significant other. The relationship should do nothing but compliment your already awesome self. So, if you're with the best person for you, you will continue to be at your best. Its easy. Its obvious. But its ignored all the time by all the women who have their Mr. Wrongs shaking their heads at their "crazy" girlfriends. "Crazy" being the typical adjective used when women are demonstrating insecurity. Bottom line, if you are consistently acting in a way that makes you feel badly about yourself, you are not in a healthy situation and its time to move on. Be aware of how you feel, how you act, and what you think about. 

Self awareness is key to recognizing "Mr. Right".

 The Take Home Message: 

In my experience, if you feel like you're in a good place and your relationship is coming naturally to you, then you've become Mrs. Right. Mr. Right will notice. He will show his appreciation by demonstrating selfless regard for you. This isn't a guarantee that you're relationship will last forever, but it gives you the best odds for success. Life is about sharing happiness with others, if you're choosing to spend a significant amount of time with another person make sure its happiness you are sharing Then, it's right.